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Left Unspoken: Moody

Left Unspoken
Part One
Part Two: Moody

By: Memory Dragon
Disclaimer: Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne belongs to Arina Tanemura. I don't own it and make no claim to.
Warnings: Mild cursing.
Character: Chiaki Nagoya
Time Line: Anime time line, soon after Maron rejected him on the Ferris wheel. It also has just a little bit of manga influence, having to do with the wind.

 

Moody. That was just what he was. That’s all he was. Very moody for no real apparent reason. It certainly wasn’t as Access Time was hinting at. This was his job. His mission. He wasn’t going - wasn’t supposed to, at least - fall in love with her. It was just part of the plan to get Maron to stop being a Kaitou. That was all.

The small part of his conscience that he tried very hard to ignore was currently roaring in his ear. Yeah, so it wasn’t fair for Maron. All of her damn life wasn’t far for Maron. Why should he start something new? Besides, she would ultimately hate him in the end, regardless. What difference would it make? One broken heart instead of two, that was what!

Chiaki paced the small living room in his apartment, glad that Access had finally left him alone. Except that was the problem. Now, he was alone. He had no one to distract him from his thoughts. The only other option of conversation was by means of the balcony, and that had been effectively cut off earlier this evening. Which proved his thoughts were all leading back to one thing.

Maron.

Oh, sure. She was the first girl who ever rejected him. He could name at least half a dozen girls off the top of his head who would have jumped from the summit of Tokyo Tower in order to be in her shoes. Okay, maybe that was exaggerating a little. But still. There were tons of girls who wouldn’t smack him away every time he got fresh and who would take compliments gracefully. Girls who would swoon the moment he looked their way and would love him unconditionally without any effort on his part. They wouldn’t have hated him, no matter what he did, nor would they throw a bomb at him as they closed the elevator doors (he was still rather upset over that. He really needed to stop letting her get the better of him)! Hell, he had an arranged marriage with such girl and was avoiding her like the plague.

Maybe that was the problem. He needed to be more grateful for what he had right under his nose, rather than start chasing after fireflies. Yes, there was absolutely no reason at all for him to fall in love with a girl who had no qualms about hating his guts. And if it were all that damned logical, why the hell was he so agitated?!

Her eyes. That was it. Her eyes were so damn sad all the time. He couldn’t help it when he saw her like that. Chiaki always got angry at himself because of those eyes too. ‘Cause no matter how much he tried, those sad eyes never went away. It was like he didn’t matter to her at all...

Of course he didn’t. She made that perfectly clear on the Ferris wheel. The real question was why, for goodness sake, was he worrying about all of this?

The teen stopped pacing and ran his fingers through his hair. This was getting him no where. Okay. He needed to think rationally. Rationally and clearly without those damn sad eyes clouding his vision. Sad eyes that wanted to pierce though his soul and-

Rationally.

Alright. He could admit to being just a little upset about her rejection. He did have his pride after all. He had gone out of his way to try and make this girl fall in love with him and she still refused. That was it! He wasn’t in love with her at all. He just resented her for letting all of his hard work go to waste.

He stopped pacing, triumphant for a sole moment. Then Chiaki realized he hadn’t really been upset until later. It was only after she smiled while thanking him, did his heart start racing. One excuse shot down to the dust. The teen felt like ripping his hair out in frustration.

Maron rejected him. So what? Nothing wrong with that. He’d just have to find some other way to stop her from being a Kaitou. Just because he couldn’t be the one to remove the sadness in her eyes didn’t mean a damn thing! Wasn’t his fault she set her standards too high for him. So get the hell over it, Chiaki!

The distressed high schooler sank into a chair. This was not only getting him no where, but completely shaking him to the core. Alright. Start with facts.

Fact: Chiaki was the only one who could see Access, beyond Maron, who wouldn’t believe the little angel anyway. Chiaki was the only one who could help her then. Okay, he was fine with that. He had nothing better to do at the time and it would get him out of that house. Nothing wrong with helping other people on occasion. Actually, that was generally seen as a virtue. Even if he didn’t often go out of his way to do good, it wasn’t all that bad. He didn’t have to see the man who claimed to have loved his mother every day and had made some new friends. All in all, Chiaki was enjoying himself for once.

Who said no good deed goes unpunished, anyway? Aside from this moment and a couple other bumps along the road (mainly because of that girl. Why did everything return back to her?!), he was truly happy. He hadn’t been this happy since... Well, since he started resenting his father. Which was a long time ago. So discounting tonight and any other time Maron got the better of him, meeting Access Time had been an agreeable arrangement. And now that he had met Maron, he couldn’t just leave her there to be betrayed. He was her friend, if nothing more.

Another fact: Chiaki had felt more than slightly guilty about Access’ plan of making her fall in love with him. Perhaps Access thought she’d just forget about it afterward and agree it was for the best. Somehow though, Chiaki had little faith in that outcome. But, as Access had pointed out at the time, he really couldn’t think of a better plan. So this was the one they stuck with. He had made up his mind then and there that he wouldn’t fall in love with her. False affection it would remain. Because he didn’t even want to think of how he’d feel when she started to hate him (inevitable, in the end. Even if it was for her own good, he didn’t expect her to forgive him). It was just best to pretend.

Third fact: Ever since they met, Chiaki has wanted only to see Maron. Here’s where it got tricky. He really couldn’t figure out what had lead to this odd desire, but it was the truth. He’d admit that much. And he didn’t want to see her sad either. He wanted to see her with that brilliant smile of hers; the real kind, not when she was trying to cover her sadness. That was why he left those silly notes in her mailbox each day. Because those sad eyes were almost too painful...

They reminded him too much of the loneliness he had felt after... after she died...

Chiaki couldn’t take it anymore. He needed fresh air. That meant he’d have to chance the balcony, because he really didn’t want to chance someone else seeing him in this state. Especially not Maron, but hopefully she was asleep by now...

He opened the screen door and stepped out onto the balcony quietly. A cool breeze playfully batted his hair about, forcing him to push the dark strands out of his eyes. He looked around quickly and sighed in relief. Good. Maron wasn’t here.

He leaned out on the railing for a few moments, figuring the cool wind would calm him. Unfortunately, the wind seemed to want to do the exact opposite.

The wind brought back her words to his ears. “I... don’t know what ‘love’ is. Nobody told me.” He gasped slightly the next breeze bringing the image of her eyes. “I can’t believe in love. I don’t even know how...” Those eyes... They cut through him like a sharp knife, painful and cold...

The wind accused him mercilessly. He was a coward. He was running away because he didn’t want to get hurt. He was scared that if he did fall in love with her, she would never return his feelings. That he wouldn’t be able to take that sadness out of her eyes... Chiaki gripped the railing and closed his eyes, trying to get the image of her out of his head. Those eyes...

“Sinbad!” Suddenly there was a flutter of wings right next to his head. Access. The little black angel must have gotten back from his rounds of checking for demons. He’d been tormenting himself that long...

“Are you alright?! Sinbad!” Frantic concern dripped from the tiny angel’s voice as the wind died down. It felt like the wind had decided it was done for the night. Even a little apologetic...

Access was sounding more and more frantic. Okay, time to snap out of it... Chiaki made an effort to straighten his shoulders and open his eyes. He even managed a weak smile. “I’m... fine...”

A petit hand pressed against his forehead before he realized what Access was doing. He resisted the urge to shiver. Access had cold hands...

But the black angel seemed even more concerned now. Chiaki began to wonder if it was Access’ hand or his forehead that was the problem. “Sinbad, you’ve got a fever!” Well, that answered his question. “You should be in bed!”

Lovely. Just ducky. He had depressed himself enough to catch a fever. He needed to remember to be less moody. Nothing good ever came of it.

The feverish teen let Access pull him back in the house and toward his bed. “Jeeze... Who’s going to protect Jeanne if you’re sick! Don’t scare me like that!”

Protect her, huh? “Sorry, Access. Didn’t mean to worry you...” Yes, he had to protect her. That was all that mattered, really. Maybe he could ask Access about what to do in the morning but now...

He wasn’t ready to deal with the rest at the moment. Until he was, it was better just not to think about it. Maybe then he could admit to something he didn’t want to believe possible. But not yet. Until then...

It would be left unspoken.

~TBC~

Quote of the Chapter:

"Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire."
-La Rochefoucald