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Sparkling Is Not Cool

Sparkling Is Not Cool
By: Memory Dragon
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, nor do I make any claim to.
Characters: Eleventh Doctor/Simm Master, Amy/Rory
Warnings:  Severe amounts of crack.  Also, a bit of Twilight bashing.  I'm not even sure I want to claim this one, to be honest...  I can't believe I'm posting this.  And like all my drabbles, completely un-beta'ed, so forgive its faults?
Notes: Written for the best_enemies drabble prompt, "Ireland and/or Transylvania" using the latter prompt with the requested vampires. 

First of all, I want to apologize to Twilight fans, because I've not written the books in a good light.  Secondly, I'd like to apologize to non-Twilight fans, because I've not written the Doctor in a good light.  Third... I apologize to everyone who reads this for the brain cells they are going to loose.  Trust me, I've already lost several writing it.  If you're still here and willing to read...  Enjoy?


The Doctor wasn't quite sure how he'd ended up in Transylvania with the Master putting stakes through the hearts of the undead as they were chased through the dark, gritty streets.  Before this, he'd been babbling to Amy and Rory, trying to think of a way to release them from the cage that threatened to open to the certain death below them.  Really, whoever had captured them needed to make sure the fragile looking cage wasn't hung over a three mile pit with spikes at the bottom.  That was dangerous. 

Well, he'd just been on the verge of having a brilliant idea (and hence telling both Amy and Rory to shut up several times while he tried to talk it out) when all of the sudden both of his companions were looking at him as if he'd turned into a Dalek.  Amy had even gone so far as to cling to Rory say the Doctor was madly possessed and they had to save him. It was then that the Master, very much alive and surprisingly still blond*, jumped out from his hiding place where he'd been watching the goings on in villainous glee.  He apologized to Amy and Rory, saying he would fix the Doctor and then they could continue the whole impossible to escape death experience when they got back before dragging the Doctor into the TARDIS and piloting her to fifteenth century Transylvania. 

The Doctor had barely managed to babble a few things about how impossible it was for the Master to have escaped the time lock and ask why he'd captured Amy and Rory in the first place when the Master was dragging him outside into a throng of angry villagers.  One thing lead to another (namely, the Master claiming them both to be world famous vampire hunters) and here they were, in the midst of a crowd of undead and trying to get back to the TARDIS before they both were bitten and had their blood drained dry. 

"See, Doctor?" the Master panted, spinning around and planting a stake into the heart of one of their attackers and ducking another as he tried to pull the stake back out again.  "These are...  real vampires."

"I can see that," the Doctor said as he turned back to search for the Master.  He tripped over an uneven stone in the road, landing sprawled out on his broadside with a thump. "Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow..." The Master, now finished with the two vampires who were now little more than mummified remains, looked over and rolled his eyes.  He dragged the Doctor up and pulled him along in their flight back to the TARDIS.

"Was there... any point to this?" the Doctor asked five minutes later, the stitch in his side making it a little hard to talk.  He didn't like that, not at all, because talking was something he did quite frequently in this regeneration.  It helped him think. 

"Vampires... don't sparkle," the Master said shortly, glaring at him.

"What?" The Doctor blinked as they came to a halt in front of his brilliant blue police box.  He caught his breath easily and proceeded to do what he did best: talking.  "You brought me here just to show me that?  Amy and Rory are hanging precariously over a pit of spikes and you wanted to show me real vampires?  I've fought them before, you know.  Not exactly news to-"

The Master grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket and pushed him up against the TARDIS roughly, bringing their faces together until they were only inches apart.  "Shut. Up."  The Master drew out the words into two separate sentences, his still panting breath hot on the Doctor's cheek. "Real books are about real vampires.  Real vampires don't sparkle.  Is any of this getting through to you yet or do I have to spell it out to you?  T-W-I-L-I-G-H-T S-U-C-K-S."

The Doctor looked crestfallen at the statement, realizing now why the Master was so annoyed.  He was one of those people.  Had he mentioned he liked the book while babbling earlier?  Must have done, to get this sort of reaction.  Oh, it must have been when he was babbling about the spikes, since they reminded him of stakes for vampire hunting.  Some how, his enjoyment of the books must have come up.  Had it been when he said he particularly liked sparkling vampires?  Speaking of...  "But it's romantic and-"

"My dear Doctor," the Master said, regaining his breath but not his temper.  "If you thought that was romantic, you'd have been throwing yourself at me."

"You don't even try to be romantic," the Doctor said, his hand on the handle as he quickly opened the door and shut it in the Master's face after letting himself in. 

"Doctor, open up!" The Master yelled, pounding on the door.  He tried the handle, but it refused to open.  He refused to be left on Earth in the fifteenth century and there was a rather large group of about twenty undead were starting to gather around the TARDIS, cutting off any escape route.  The Master did still have his stake, but against that many he'd be fairly screwed.  The Doctor wouldn't leave him to be turned into one of these monsters, would he?  Then again, the Doctor wouldn't have left him to burn on Sarn either, but that had so obviously happened.  Fear entered his voice as he continued to pound on the door.  "Doctor, there are more vampires out here...  This isn't funny!  Let me in, damn it!  Please, just let me in!"

The Vampires were starting to close in on him, eying his neck hungrily.  Brandishing the stake out in front of him, the Master barely held his fear in check.  "Come at me then!" he yelled at them.  In any other of his regenerations, he might have started to beg for mercy, but this one always did have too much anger and madness in him.  "Go on, attack!  Do it!"

The nearest three vampires did just that.  He managed to stake one of them before the other two pushed him down to the pavement painfully, fangs bared and hissing as he cried out.  They were stronger than him, pinning him down with ease as he screamed.  It didn't matter how much he struggled, lips were at either side of his neck biting down with a sick parody of a lover's kiss.  The Master was decidedly still not above begging.  "Stop!  Please, stop!  I'll give you...  anything you... want..."

One more thing to try then.  "I am...  the Master and you... will obey me!" he yelled.  His life draining away, he tried to bat at the creatures with his mind, but they only paused for a few seconds before resuming their drinking.  No, he wasn't going to die like this!  He couldn't...

The door of the TARDIS burst open, the vampires falling back in shock and pain.  Within seconds, the Master was doing much the same but for different reasons.

From out of the TARDIS, stepped the Doctor, clad in a sequins-covered white outfit that probably would have put Elvis to shame and holding a disco ball that was reflecting a tiny torch that had been set to emit low level UV rays.**  He even wore plastic sunglasses with obscene amounts of glitter and shiny sequins and to top it all off... a red sequins-covered bow tie.  The Master had never wished to be blind before, but there was a first time for everything.

"I sparkle now," the Doctor said with a grin, holding up the disco ball to keep the vampires at bay.  "Sparkling is cool."

The Master really needed something big and flat to bang his head against.

Thankfully, the sparkling monstrosity was shot out of the Doctor's hands with a loud bang.  Both of them looked up to see a blonde woman standing off to the side, duel wielding two very anachronistic looking guns. "Hello, sweetie," she said, tossing one of the two guns to the Master.  "Go back inside and change, before I shoot you."

While the Doctor was pouting and whining, the Master looked over the weapon he'd caught.  It was a gun, but instead of bullets it had been cleverly rigged with small wooden spikes.  Eight rounds in all and the woman had a few more 'bullets' to spare.  He stared back up at her, eyes narrowing as he took in everything about her.  She wasn't one of the Doctor's normal companions, that much was obvious. 

He wasn't sure if the Doctor actually listening to her and doing as she said was a good or bad thing.  For one, it at least meant that sparkling outfit would be gone within a few minutes, at which time the Master was sneaking back on board the TARDIS and burning it for the good of all involved. But at the same time, the Doctor was doing what she said, not what the Master ordered.  Just because she'd ordered it first didn't make the Doctor submitting to her any less grating.  

Pushing himself up off the ground, the Master found he had to use the TARDIS for support in order to stand.  Damn vampire had sucked too much of his blood and now he was dizzy.  Swimming head aside, the Master could still take aim.  Which was a good thing, considering now that the sparkling idiot had gone the vampires were all congregating around them again.  "Who are you?" he asked acidly to the woman as he expertly shot two vampires through the hearts after his head had cleared a bit.  The vampires immediately started to shrivel up and go mummified.

"Spoilers, Master," the woman said, winking at him flirtatiously as she rapidly fired off five shots, four of which hit their marks.  The Master made sure to hit every one of his targets to prove his own marksmanship, not wasting a single spike.  It certainly wasn't because he was jealous and needed to prove he was better despite the Doctor not even being there to see it, but he did rather hope the Doctor was watching from the TARDIS scanners.  The woman tossed him a few more wooden 'bullets' and smiled at him as she introduced herself.  "Just call me River Song."

He ignored her flirting and concentrated on the remaining vampires.  No point in wondering where she'd learned his name from, not when he doubted she would tell him without quite a bit of torture.  Since he lacked both the time and strength for that, he would contemplate it on another day.

By the time the Doctor had stepped back out of his TARDIS in normal clothing, River Song was gone and the Master's neck was bandaged.  There were about twenty-five remains of wrinkly dead vampires on the ground and the Master himself was sitting against the TARDIS with his head between his knees.  Kneeling down next to him, the Doctor placed his hand against the Master's forehead.  "Are you alright?" he asked.

"Fine," the Master spat.  "Just fine.  You only left me out here to be sucked dry by twenty vampires while you went off to make yourself shiny.  Why shouldn't I be fine after all that, no thanks to you?  I certainly didn't need your help."

The Doctor winced, absently straightening his non-sequins encrusted bow tie.  "You obviously survived though and it all worked out in the end..."  The Master ignored him, which he probably deserved, but he sighed.  "If I renounce Twilight, will that make you feel better?"

Raising his head slowly, the Master didn't say anything.  He didn't need to, since he was obviously waiting for the renouncement.  The Doctor gave another sigh before resigning himself to liking the books in secret.  "Alright, you win.  The Twilight books are horrible.  Are you happy now or do you want me begging for forgiveness?"

The Master seemed to consider this, grinned.  "I think you should beg.  I do love it when you beg."

At the Doctor's glare, the Master rolled his eyes and finally accepted the Doctor's hand to help him up.  With his help, the Master managed to limp back into the TARDIS and the Doctor pretended not to notice until it was too late how the Master had 'accidentally' let a match fall on his sequinsed outfit.  He watched the blaze mournfully as he piloted them back to rescue Amy and Rory.

As it turned out, Amy and Rory had pretty much rescued themselves by this point and were half undressed doing things that had the Doctor turn right back around after seeing.  The Master didn't have the same decency and continued watching.  "You're welcome to join us," Amy said, eying both him and the Master.

"No.  That's no for both of us.  Don't encourage her," the Doctor said, answering for the now pouting Master.  He spun around, perfectly intent on ushering both his companions away from his best enemy as quickly as possible.  "Okay, right.  Amy, Rory, meet the Master.  Master, Amy and Rory.  Now that we're all acquainted, we really should be go-"

"We are so not acquainted yet.  Are we acquainted yet?"  Amy looked to Rory who was hastily buttoning up his trousers.  Wisely, he shook his head in agreement and motioned for the amused Master to do the same.  "So, you're 'the Master'.  Who are you then and how do you know the Doctor and why did you kidnap us?

"No, Amy," the Doctor said, trying to cut her off.  "You really don't want to ask those questions.  Rory?"

"Sorry, Doctor.  I'd rather not sleep on the couch tonight," was all Rory said, shrugging. 

The Master smirked, mildly amused by how this human girl apparently wore the pants in this TARDIS crew.  "Just old enemies.  You know, just dropping in to let the Doctor know I'm out of the time lock and starting to take over the world again.  That sort of thing."

A light dawned in Amy's eyes and the Doctor was suddenly very worried about what she might say.  "Hold on a moment.  So if River's Mrs. Doctor, does this make you the ex-boyfriend?"

"Ex...  Mrs. Doctor?"  No longer amused, the Master advanced on the Doctor furiously who took a nervous step back. 

"Oops.  Current boyfriend," Amy said unhelpfully.  "Don't tell me you were planning to cheat on him, Doctor?  Sorry, didn't mean to let that slip."

"Rory?" The Doctor asked again hopefully, desperately needing the other man to save his back like companions were supposed to do.

"Yeah..." Rory said, looking at the Master and backing away slowly.  "Best just to fess up to the whole cheating thing, Doctor.  It'll be better for both of you in the end." 

"Rory, you're not helping," the Doctor said with a glare.  With the Master yelling angrily at him, Amy laughing hysterically and Rory being absolutely no help from the male support group department, the Doctor gave a sigh.  He decided that maybe, just maybe, the Twilight books ended up being more trouble than they really were worth.

*The Master has realized that the Doctor pays more attention to him when he's blond.
**Original larger torch carried by the Doctor in his pocket was blown up on a previous trip to Venice fighting other vampires.  He's had to make do with the smaller one ever since.


Memory: I think there's a special place in hell for me after writing this one.  I'm going to need to say so many Hail Mary's for this...  *goes to hide in shame now*


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 11th, 2011 06:41 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure if I should have enjoyed it as much as I did... That probably earned me a place in hell as well.
But really, it's crack, Twilight-bashing and everybody is in character. And Discworld-like footnotes xD Wonderful.
Aug. 11th, 2011 06:51 pm (UTC)
Haha. Yeah. I had more fun writing it than I care to admit. I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the comment!
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )