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Pink Elephants

Pink Elephants
By: Memory Dragon
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, nor do I make any claim to.
Characters: Third Doctor, Jo, implications of Three/Delgado Master.
Warnings:  More crack for you!
Original Prompt: Request from a throwaway comment in A Christmas Carol! (minor spoilers) Tell me about the time when Theta had a huge crush on Koschei and, in true emotionally stunted fashion, hid in his room to invent the sonic screwdriver instead of properly snogging Koschei for all he was worth.
Notes: Written for the best_enemies anon meme.  The original can be found here.  It doesn't quite follow the prompt with Theta and Koschei, but it still works in my opinion.  
Author's thanks: Thanks once again to Cy for betaing and putting up with my silliness. 

While this has absolutely nothing to do with fic, RIP Elisabeth Sladen.  Sarah Jane was always one of my favorites and my prayers go to her family and friends.


The Doctor stared at the diagrams in front of him, trying not to think about everything that had just happened.  This was, unfortunately, a lot like telling someone not to think of a pink elephant.  Pink elephants were extremely stubborn creatures and they tended to like being the center of attention.  They also liked trampling people when they felt like they were being ignored, as the Doctor found out the hard way. 

The mental pink elephants weren't any better about trying to get his attention.  He made a few notes on the diagram regardless, fixing the frequency setting absently.  He hadn't looked at these blueprints since his days at the academy, under frighteningly similar circumstances.  His original attempts to make a screwdriver combined with sonic technology had failed rather spectacularly, much to the amusement of his fellow classmates.  Now he was older, wiser, had gotten less ambitious versions of the screwdriver to work and was a lot less distracted by silly moralistic qualms over his last encounter with his best enemy.  Or so he told himself.

"What is that, Doctor?" Jo asked, looking over his shoulder. 

He hadn't even noticed she was there, but the Doctor managed not to jump at the sound.  There was that at least.  He rubbed the back of his neck moodily, staring at the diagram.  "It's the blueprints on how to make a new sonic screwdriver, Jo. Or an old one, to be precise.  It's the version I'd tried to make when I was younger, back in my days at the academy.  It should have a lot more uses than just opening doors."

Jo nodded gravely at this despite not having an idea of what he was talking about.  It was one of the things he liked about Jo - that calm acceptance that bordered on gullibility, ripe for someone like him to take advantage of for small pranks.  Right now though, the Doctor wasn't in the mood to tell a tall tale.  "When it works, it should be able to detonate bombs from a safe distance and a myriad of other useful things."

"So it will make louder noises?"

The Doctor shook his head, struggling to put it into terms she would understand.  "No, it would be quite a bit more concentrated than that.  It would still make a small sound, but with bigger results."

This was followed by another sage nod of her head as Jo peered at the Gallifreyan markings that were no doubt unintelligible to her.  With a sigh, the Doctor switched copies of the diagrams until the ones he had transcribed into English were on top.  They were still just as baffling to her, but at least now she could pretend a bit more convincingly.  "These ones are in English!" she exclaimed in surprise.

"Yes, they are, Jo," the Doctor said as he leaned back and rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  "The problem is I can't seem to get the extra bits to work, so I was rather hoping for a second opinion.  You humans may be less advanced, but you do have keen eyes.  Perhaps one of the human scientists can spot what I'm missing."

Jo smiled suddenly, clapping her hands together in an enthusiastic motion.  "I bet if you can get it working, the next time we get captured by the Master should be a breeze!"

Looking down, the Doctor coughed lightly, struggling to hide his reaction to hearing the Master's name.  "Ah, yes.  I suppose we could, though I'd rather skip being captured by that naive fool altogether."

"Oh, Doctor," Jo said with a sympathetic expression that hid a more amused one.  "Don't tell me you're still upset over ditching the Master like that?  There was nothing else you could have done to get rid of the Axos!  Oh, I'm just sure the Master will understand and forgive you for it, since you saved his life too."

The Doctor frowned, Jo's words catching the attention of the pink elephant and waking it up again.  Technically speaking, there was a chance the Master hadn't escaped... A ninety percent chance, as he told the Brigadier, but the Master was brilliantly adept at taking that remaining ten percent and forcing it to his will.  It was other areas in which the Master tended to be spectacularly stupid in, most of which involved incantations and/or weapons.  That and anything that included the Doctor.

"Do you think he would?" the Doctor asked finally.  It was all well and good having moral scruples, but having to trick the Master like that...  Well, it had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now he did feel a bit bad for it.  It's one thing to rewire a machine under the Master's nose when he should have been paying more careful attention to the Doctor's movements, but quite another to prey on the Master's want to travel with him

Jo reached over and pet his arm comfortingly with a warm smile.  "I'm sure he will, Doctor.  Why, I bet he's out there right now planning another over-complicated plot just for you."

He rather hoped so, because instead of seeing the diagrams in front of him, the Doctor kept seeing the Master's smile while he still thought the Doctor planned to come with him.  The mental image was doing strange things to his heartstrings that he really didn't want to think about too closely.

The Doctor eventually sent the blueprints to the Ministry of Defense, but by the time they got back to him saying they hadn't the foggiest idea what to make of the problem, Jo had already been proven right twice over.  The original blueprints would eventually be filed away at Lodmoor Research Facility to be stolen and completed by a brilliant young female scientist.  It would lead to her capture by UNIT, but a job at Torchwood as well, all due to the device being marked with the Doctor's name.

He did keep the originals of the plans out this time though, instead of filing them away once the Master had more or less forgiven him.  When he wasn't distracted by his own emotional cowardice, it was rather obvious what he'd done wrong.  He was able to come up with a working model within a week, much to Jo's delight. 

The Doctor would just have to come up with a new project for the next time he ran out on the Master.


Mem: And there you have it.  More anons claimed for everyone's enjoyment.  And Three does sulk pretty spectacularly...

Quote of the Fic:
"Keep five yards from a carriage, ten yards from a horse, and a hundred yards from an elephant; but the distance one should keep from a wicked man cannot be measured."
-Indian Proverb

Mem: The Doctor's not very good at the latter.  XD


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 22nd, 2011 10:34 pm (UTC)
re: Pink Elephants
Very amusing! I like it when the Doctor's being all clever. But it's good to see emotional depth, too. And I like the little hint of Tosh. :) Ah, Jo, you silly dear gal!

Btw, it would be lovely if you would post this at

The Third Doctor comm always needs more love. :)

Edited at 2011-04-22 10:34 pm (UTC)
Apr. 22nd, 2011 10:44 pm (UTC)
Re: Pink Elephants
Thanks! I couldn't resist the Tosh bit. It's like... Oh! I can cross over! and I just couldn't resist.

Hm, I think I will. I do have a few Third Doctor fics. <3 I'm willing to join a Third Doctor Comm for the sake of giving it more love. XD
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )