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A Far Off Memory...

A Far Off Memory...
By: Memory Dragon
Disclaimer: I do not own Weiß Kreuz or Weiß Kreuz Glühen, no do I make any claim to.
Warnings: Very depressing. Unhappy ending.
Characters: Mamoru Takatori, Aya Fujimiya, Omi Tsukiyono
Summary: A letter from Mamoru Takatori to Aya Fujimiya. Post-Glühen oneshot.
Author's Notes:  This was the fic I found under my bed.  Seriously, it was under my bed.  I didn't even remember writing it, though I remember wanting to write something like it.  I think this is actually one of my better fics though it's rather short and I'm told it captures the spirit of Glühen very well.

This is sort of Post-Glühen and has spoilers for the end. The way I see this fic fitting in is Aya-sensei reading the letter just before he goes to the church, which would explain why he was randomly thinking about that conversation at the beginning of the last episode. Also, the translation of Tomorrow's lyrics is from the Xenon Fansubs translation (aka, not mine).

A far off memory...
A shared memory...
Like a shooting star
Fades away in the morning sun.

Hello, my old friend. Well, maybe not friend anymore. I wouldn’t want to call myself a friend. I don’t expect anyone else to anymore either. I’ve become too cold.

It certainly isn’t easy. I never thought being a cold hearted bastard, day after day, would be so hard. I really don’t know how you did it, Aya. I hate it. I really do. I hate myself.

Or rather, I hate what I’ve become. Is that why you left, Aya? With Ken going slightly insane and Youji... And Youji gone, there was nothing to tie you down. Probably didn’t want to stick around to see me become the thing you hate the most. Not that I blame you.

I said I killed Omi Tsukiyono and I have for the most part. There was nothing in this world left for him. The world didn’t need an orphaned boy with no memories other than those of an assassin. That kind of person is too dangerous for society. Someone who didn’t know how to stop hurting and killing other people. No, there was no need in this world for Omi.

It’s a good thing I killed that weak florist. He could never do what I do now. It would have killed him eventually, anyway. It would have hurt him too much to send other people off to die. Truly a weak person, huh?

You probably don’t want to be hearing this. After all, you liked Omi. Don’t deny it, Aya. Even Ken saw those rare, half-smiles that you occasionally shared with us. As time passed, those smiles became more frequent, though Omi still treasured every one of them. He liked it when you smiled. Especially if it was something he had done to make you happy. He would have done anything for one of those small smiles. Yes, Aya. You liked Omi. Everyone did. I suppose that he was almost impossible not to like.

Nevertheless, I had to kill him. I said before that the world didn’t need someone like him. It probably doesn’t need someone like me either, but at least as Mamoru Takatori, I have a place in it. That’s more than Omi ever had.

I don’t know why I’m writing you. You don’t want to hear from me and I certainly don’t have to explain myself. But now that I’ve started, I might as well finish. So you’ll just have to bear through this letter. Or perhaps just throw it away and not read it. You can be that cold when you put your mind to it.

I suppose you survived the coldness because you were still able to keep your kindness. Yes, Aya. You were kind, in your own way. Being a teacher really suited you. Of course, you were not as popular with the younger generations as Ken was, but you have a way with kids that no one would have guessed. Maybe that was why Omi always looked up to you like he did. You, Youji, and Ken meant an awful lot to him.

That was probably why I/he assigned Sena to be in Weiß. I needed to use him, but he wanted you to look out for him. He was sorry things turned out the way they did. Omi saw a lot of himself in the poor boy.

He knew it hurt you when Sena died. Just like the death of your lady friend, the one who taught English. Just like Omi’s own death did. He knew all about those, but it was an unfortunate loss. I had to kill Omi. Just like I had to send Sena to his death against his mother. I end up hurting you a lot, don’t I? Just like Reiji Takatori did. Must run in my blood.

That was the problem with Omi. He cared too much. He couldn’t stand being Persia, having to put his friends in danger time after time. Omi didn’t want any of you to keep hurting, even though it was him who once said that none of us would ever be happy.

So, here I am, Mamoru Takatori. Omi occasionally tries to come back whenever I am reminded of the past. He even had the nerve to turn down one of the candidates for the new Weiß that Rex handed me. All because the guy reminded him of you. I was able to regain control too late that time. But he surfaces less and less as time goes by. Soon, I’ll have killed every bit of him and...

You don’t like the new me very much, do you, Aya? Well, neither do I. Don’t blame you for not sticking around to see the new me form. I don’t blame you for trying to abandon this empty shell that used to be one of your best friends. After all, I did kill him. Will kill him. Someday, he will learn. Then I will finally be rid of him.

But enough of that for now. Ken misses you. It seems that you impressed him greater than he ever imagined. Really, I don’t think Omi could even tell you when Weiß became so close. It just... happened. You guys became the first family that Omi had ever had. Ken just figured that out. Honestly, he can be so slow sometimes.

You’d better come back soon, Aya. Ken says he won’t leave the prison until you’re back. I thought he was cracking when he asked me to send him to prison. Now, I’m sure that he has. He’s taken up cooking. Cooking. So don’t stay too long in the U.S. I can’t afford to lose too many skilled people in Kritiker. His letters also drive me insane and revive Omi. You can see why this would be annoying.

I don’t think about Youji too much. This also tends to bring back that weak florist. But Omi’s been bugging me to tell you. Maybe he’ll just let go this time, instead of fighting, if I just tell you. Youji’s been doing well. He actually settled down and got married. I’ve been keeping an eye on him and your sister, not with Kritiker agents either. Maybe Omi is more alive than I thought him to be. Just as long as he doesn’t interfere when it’s important, I suppose I can let him have his way sometimes.

Does it hurt you to hear me talking like this? Probably. I don’t sound very sane, do I? Ken could even pass for more rational than me after you read this. It’s like I have split personalities, or something. But really, Omi is just the name I gave my kinder side, which I’m trying to kill completely. It’s just persistent, is all.

And I’m absolutely nothing like that kid florist. Omi was young, even naive. Always using the ‘kun’ suffix... It’s like he never grew up. He’s really pathetic. A weak teenaged assassin. He would be in casual and inexpensive shorts and an old shirt right now, whereas I never wear anything but personally tailored suits.

Grandfather says I’ve grown up finally. But in truth, it’s only what the public wants to see. I can’t disappoint them, after all. I’m a Takatori now and I have to live up to that name. There’s no one else to carry on the blood line, so I have to keep up this front.

That’s probably the one similarity, between Omi and I. We both hide our true selves from everyone with a smiling face.

Yuushi hates me. He seems to have taken Omi’s death quite personally. Not because he really knew the florist, but he doesn’t care too much for the new me. He hates me because I use people and don’t care.

What would I have been like, Aya? If I had been a normal kid? Well, there is a good possibility that I would never have been normal, but what if Father hadn’t made me into an assassin? What if he had realized that I was his son? Would I have been blissfully unaware of this whole thing, like Ouka was? No. I’m sure when he and Reiji died, Grandfather would have sought me out. Then I probably would never have met you guys.

There are times I’ve wondered what it’s like, to have never killed, that is. Omi can’t hate Father, but I can. Omi still might have had a chance to survive if Father hadn’t been so set on turning his ‘nephew’ into an assassin. Father could have hid him well enough that Grandfather would have never have found the child. Given him a new home, a new life. Omi wouldn’t have had to remember anything about his past. He didn’t mind the amnesia all that much. He could have been happy... and I wouldn’t have had to exist. This cold and smiling shell that used to be called Omi.

But maybe I deserve this. Omi did say once that none of us could be happy. We knew too much, had killed too many. This is my punishment for my sins. To live this hollow life, hating what I’ve become. This is my retribution for having lived. Because living is my sin, you see. Because I live, Omi cannot. That poor, weak florist should have died that day when he was kidnapped. The world has no room for innocence as pure as his. No room for people who see things in black and white, like he did. This world breaks people such as him within the blink of an eye. Kinda sad, isn’t it?

I keep remembering that conversation we had - Omi had - with everyone, right before the last mission. Do you remember it, Aya? We were in a field having a picnic. I said that we should take that awful pink trailer and travel the world selling flowers. Just the four of us. We could have just forgotten everything and been a real family. Of course, Grandfather shot down that notion almost the second it left my lips. But it was a nice dream to have.

Do you ever think about that time? In a way, I - Omi - had managed to retain his innocence, despite the odds. He didn’t have any power or obligations. He was just a carefree teenager who wanted a chance to be happy for once.

He was happy back then. I think it was the only time in his life that he’s ever been honestly content. You guys were his family. He didn’t need anything else. I often wonder what would have happened if we did just pick up and leave. As it is, that is the last time I can remember Omi being happy, except for possibly that final time you three accepted him back into Weiß. Just before Sena died.

You’ve been happy since then. Helping Sena and being with your lady friend. Possibly even when spoke with your sister that one time. Yes, I know about that too, Aya. There’s not much that escapes me anymore. Are you happy now, Aya?

I know you still hunt those who hurt others. I don’t have to send out an agent to know that. All I have to do is pick up the New York Times to read about your latest exploits, your latest victims. It seems that you are able to find the dark beasts easily on your own. Guess you never really needed Kritiker, except to possibly as an excuse to yourself. That you weren’t just a murderer. But that doesn’t sound like you at all, so probably not. You were always honest with yourself, unlike Omi. He still had ideals at one point.

Aya-kun... I don’t know why, but I’ve started to cry suddenly. What a pain...

I just... I just wanted a normal life. One where we could all be together, selling flowers. I really do I envy Youji-kun. He’s free from his past, from his sins. I can’t even be free from one I barely remember...

Youji-kun forgets the bad memories, but I only forget the good ones. So ironic. I’ll never forget the bad ones. Nor can I forgive them.

Didn’t I used to say that a lot? Never forgive the bad ones? I did, didn’t I? Back when ideals still meant something to me. It’s sad. As much as I want to, I can never forget the bad ones.

So much has changed. Happiness is only something in a far off memory that the four of us shared. Something so precious to me that I lost long ago.

I think this will be the last time I come out, Aya-kun. Mamoru has gotten so good at killing me, I doubt he’ll let me out again. So goodbye, Aya-kun. I’ll stay in the memories, for that is the only place for me now. It’s the only place I’ve ever fully belonged.

I have to hurry, or Mamoru won’t send this. He hates it when I win over him. But this will be the last time. My one regret is that I’ll never see you again. Will you remember me once in a while, Aya-kun?

I guess that’s it then. That’s all I can think of to say, at least. Farewell, Ken-kun, Youji-kun. Farewell, Aya-kun.

Goodbye, Omi...

Forever yours, even if only in memory,
Omi Tsukiyono


Quote of the fic:
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it."
--Michel de Montaigne